A broken heart...
Main Course ~ Life Update
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This past few months, has forever altered my world. The fear that my daughter might loose both her Dad and me on the same night was one of worst experiences in my life thus far.
Shortly after my last newsletter on my heart update, on March 5th, my ex-husband and father of my daughter unfortunately became very ill and had to go into the ER, which then led to having to stay at length in the ICU. We are still in shock from losing his younger brother just a year and a half ago suddenly from a stroke. Now on the 2nd hour of March 18th we’ve also unfortunately lost Brandan. It was right as we walked through the ICU doors he had taken his last breath.
The absolute heavy weight of sadness I felt escape from my body at that moment I can hardly describe.
I grabbed his hands, touched his face, held his warmth from his chest to the palm of my hand with me for as long as I could. I held my daughter’s hand and his current wife’s hand, while 37 years of him being in my life flashed before me. Oh my sweet daughter I broke for and with her. We couldn’t let go of him.
Brandan only being at the age of 52 is such a tragedy. We’ve both moved on to other relationships, but we’ve always remained close. It was a rare friendship we had for almost 20 years after our separation that I will always cherish, all of us sharing Thanksgivings and other Holidays. Such a beautiful way to continue being a family for Braelynn especially letting go of any arguments and differences just doing our best to move forward to continue to be a family in a new way.
It was now 3:00am, we said our last and final goodbye and somberly left the hospital. I grabbed my daughter for the millionth hug, held her close before we went our separate ways to our own homes. Forever grateful for Cj, ( her partner for 6 years and like a son to me), I knew she was in good hands. I told her just to try to get through moment by moment and let your body rest if it can.
Jim and I arrived back home about 3:20 am tired and defeated, he too has been close to Brandan knowing him since they were 14 year old, its tough. He went straight to get ready for bed but as I walked shortly in the house behind him I felt my heart do a somersault, one that I know too well, one that goes straight into Afib. This did not feel real, this could not be happening right now. I did my usual methods of vagal nerve exercises and deep breathing try to calm it down. I took some of my heart medicine, a beta blocker which should help slow the heart rate down, but I started short fainting again, worse than the last episode in January, I fell to the floor.
I slowly got up and tried to grab my purse and everything as he helped me out the door to the car so we could go to the hospital— again..
I just kept thinking, not now!!, “We cannot worry Braelynn, she just lost her Dad!!” Fu*k!
Arriving at the ER and doing what they needed to do to check me in I continued to feel lightheaded and faint quickly in and out as my heart pounded and skipped and jumped.
They left me alone for what felt like forever on a very busy night delaying any quick IV or blood tests. I told Jim, they probably think I am on drugs. I was shaking so badly and just blurting out that my daughter’s father just passed, I have to be ok!! I honestly felt like they didn’t believe me. (I am probably the most sober person they can come across), which I knew they would see when the blood tests returned.
20 minutes later, “Everything’s perfect in your blood except your potassium is slightly low?? hmmm?
My heart was jumping from 90 to 180 to 70 to 200, I’m shaking so bad in my left leg as my right leg was still. The light in the room started to become painfully bright, as to why I’m covering my eyes, “What is going on? I have to be ok please, I am not going to let her lose both of us in the same night!!!” Then I would breathe and try to remain calm, but how do you stay calm in this situation with a heart beating erratically?
As they hooked me up to an IV to put magnesium (burns like no other from within) and potassium into my blood , I had to interrupt it all to use the bathroom, but being lightheaded I’m told I have to stay in the room with the male nurse on a portable chair next to the bed. I hold all of the wires and sit there because I have no choice, and honestly, this moment the mental rock bottom hit me hard, —“Brandan, oh my God I just want to be sad that we just lost you, How is this happening? Help me!! —I just left the other hospital where you were hooked up to all of these same wires! None of this makes sense.”
Three hours later my heart finally reaches sinus rhythm. I’m so tired, I’m broken but glad to not feel my heart and feel like I’ve come back to this earth, this is just too much for one night.
They discharge me around 7:00 am, the sun is coming up giving the sky and clouds the most beautiful pink hue. I want to fall to the street as I wait for Jim to get the car, I am so thankful it’s over, but the trauma is just beginning mentally. To get through that loss and to survive another erratic emergency heart issue within the same few hours, I hope no one ever has to ever feel that in their lifetime. That was my 12th. (And as of writing this, unfortunately now the13th time. just a few nights ago…)
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I’m In the process of getting a 2nd opinion from a new hospital so that I can hopefully get closer to another heart ablation surgery for my heart. I’m promising you all, I’m not fully living my best life. If anything excites my heart hours later I may or may not end up in another arrhythmia?? It’s like walking around with a bomb attached to me, never knowing when it could go off. It keeps me consistently on edge, taking over every thought with ever action I’m doing, if I eat to much, if I am hungry, if my hormones fluctuate , if I cry, get angry, argue, overstimulated for too long. This is not ok for my Dr to just say ok, well we will see you next year and see how it goes, after 4 times in 8 months—”Try to avoid your triggers.” The triggers are life in general.
I want to be able to properly surrender to who I am to live my life, laugh so hard, travel more, grieve, a moment of just letting go without my body thinking I’m going into flight or fight.
This is my biggest challenge, I’m an artist, who has always let my emotions also be a large part of my process. I cannot carry this fear. It’s just too heavy, but I remind myself to be stoic right now as I try to continue 6 years now into finding those answers, because I have to!. I will! — I will to continue to fight this and hopefully fix this while also learning to live with it— Jour le Jour.
xo
Leigh, your writing touched me.😔
Your ability to express yourself beautifully in so many ways—extraordinary 💖
awe my auntie, i cried reading this i love you so so much!